Sunbathing

--

Joan, who was rather well proportioned, spent almost all of her
vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.

She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided
that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an
overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She
was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel,
out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your
sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a
bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can
see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining
room skylight."

Dilbert quotes

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A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:

      1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)

      2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

      3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

      4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

      5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."

      6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

      7. "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers)

      8. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

      9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

      10. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

      11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

      12. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards)

      13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, she showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired – and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words, which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned, and in accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

Warning: Gross joke ahead

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Warning: Gross joke ahead...

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they
were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "you
know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves.

Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking
around, you hike can hike south. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and
share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees, and
hikes south.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked
into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate
lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and
dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers
were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was
your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad
tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied
to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her from the tracks,
and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I
was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!" the first guy exclaimed, "your day was MUCH better than mine.
Did you get a blow job too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her
head."

F word

This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.

The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."

The man responds that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.

"Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church."

The priest asks, "And you got upset over that and swore?"

The man replies, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."

The priest says, "And that's when you swore."

The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by, grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."

The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"

The man replies, "No, because the squirrel came out of the tree, ran across and put down the ball within five inches of the hole."

The priest screams, "Don't tell me you missed the f***ing putt!!!

Gather at the river

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he
said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into
the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the
world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile,
"For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365:

"Shall We Gather at the River."