Airplane Safety

As heard on airline?

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat
backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and, in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to
switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but
please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and
if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

"This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that
monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their
seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate
will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before
assisting children or adults acting like children."

"To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and
pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't
know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure
your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two
small children, decide now which one you love more."

THE SMOKING SECTION

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight. If you must smoke,
contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing
of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in
the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

ROUGH LANDINGS

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a
lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella ... WHOA!"

An announcement made by the head flight attendant after landing: "That
was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell
you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it
wasn't the flight attendants' fault. It was the asphalt!"

An airline pilot tells us that on a particular flight, he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy that
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, giving them a smile and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He
said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking
that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten
off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny,
mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"

The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

On a flight into Amarillo, Texas, after an extremely hard landing, the
flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts
fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the
gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less-than-perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."

GREAT EXIT LINES

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."