Headache

-- The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."

The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long."

Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

"Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve."

Joe was surprised. "How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.

As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes."

Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure."

The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E."

Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.

As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not."

The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."

Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."

The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size
32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base
of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

William

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.
It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William .......the little sh*t's name is Kevin."

I love Texas

May 30th:
Just moved to Texas. Now this is a state that knows how to live!!
Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts
blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on
a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an
air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to
see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.

June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus
and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another
scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used
to this kind of heat? Too bad it's not a dry heat. Getting used to it is
taking longer than I expected.

July 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.)
Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson
though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:
I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this
morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had
swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and just as I opened the door
she exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the
kids she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and shit. No more
pets in this heat!

July 25th:
Dry #@*&$!% heat, my ass. Hot is hot!! The home air conditioner is on
the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he
needed to order parts.

July 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1,500 in darn
house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug 4th:
115 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500
and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman peed in my
pool. I hate this #@*&$!% state.

Aug 8th:
If another wise jerk cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to
tear his #@*&$!% throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the
radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like
Roasted #@*&$!% Garfield!!

Aug 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny.
It's been too hot two #@*& darn months and the weatherman says it might
really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this barren darn
desert?? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth
of cactus just dried up and blew into the #@*&$!% pool. Even a cactus
can't live in this heat.

Aug 14th:
Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the
window and blew the #@*&$!% windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer
came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to
spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Aug 30th:
Worst day of the damn summer. I'm not leaving the house. The #@*&$!%
monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than
hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with its new $500
windshield. That does it, we're moving back to California where all you
have to worry about is earthquakes.

Amazingly simple home remedies

1. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop.

2. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By Using The Sink.

3. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers: Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins. Remember To Use A Timer.

4. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button.

5. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll Be Afraid To Cough.

6. You Only Need Two Tools In Life: Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The Duct Tape.

7. If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical Problem.

Sleeping on the job

Smith was always tired. After a while, he became known in the office for dozing off at his desk, sometimes even several times a day.

Granted, he had a reason: his wife just had twins and he didn't get much sleep at home. But his boss was having none of it. He told Smith, that if he was caught sleeping on the job one more time, he would be fired.

After a short while, the boss decided to make a surprise visit at Smith's desk, to see if the situation had improved.

You can imagine, what happened next: he found Smith asleep.

But Smith was a quick thinker. He woke up just in time, remained in his position and calmly delivered the following line that saved his job: "...and I especially thank you for my excellent boss. Amen."